Saturday, June 17, 2006

The 10 Commandments (according to Brother Jed)

I've mentioned a certain funadmentalist preacher by the name of Brother Jed Smock before. He tours college campus and condemns everyone to hell with his fire and brimstone preaching.

As we say in Missouri, "He's a hoot."

So much so in fact, that I tend to skip my classes to smirk at Smock. Back in 2003, he came to Missouri State University's campus (formerly Southwest Missouri State) on October 31. I was in attendence at that time and happened to catch him when he was first setting up.

I proceeded to listen to his sermons for the better part of 5 hours. In that time, he explicitly named ten things that would earn you a one way trip straight to Hell. These ten no-no's became known to my friends and I as "The Brother Jed 10 commandments" and I share them with you now (the current high score is 8.5):

Thou Shalt Not...
I. ... drink to intoxication.
II. ... hug, kiss, or have sex before marriage.
III. ... masturbate.
IV. ... listen to Rock & Roll music.
V. ... wear tight pants.
VI. ... be a lesbian (especially a communist lesbian, that's totally unforgivable/
VII. ... be a member of a fraternity or a sorority, for lo, it is worse to be in a sorority than to be a whore because at least whores get paid.*
VIII. ... get any part of your body pierced besides your ears.
IX. ... disco dance.
X. ... be a designated driver, for this is like driving the bus to Hell. **

* - This comment was made just as a Christian sorority had walked up to lend support to Brother Jed. They promptly left.
** - At this point I started a chorus of "The wheels on the Hell Bus go round and round..."


Anonymous said...

I've been lurking and enjoying your blog, but until now, never felt the need to comment.
Brother Jed is still out there?!

Good lord. I graduated college in 1985, and I still remember cutting class to listen to Jed rant. It was always a great performance. Call down the wrath of God on masturbating frat boys, call the sorority girls sluts- get knocked into the shrubbery by boyfriend of insulted sorority girl. Great times. said...

Priceless... Christians need more people like him. He's the best thing secular groups have going for us. He's like atheist bait!